To my love

When wanting, becomes needing,

When desire, becomes aching,

When dreams, become wishes,

I must take a moment, and step away

Otherwise, I'll just stay bRoKEn

It is too hard to watch you walk away

I apologize for the distance,

I don't know what else to do,

Please pardon my silence.

I love you.

From His Whore to His Love

To his love....

It's me, the hot young miss that's got your mans attention

Just writing to apologize

So sorry dear that you have to pay for my sins.

That your love has strayed to me

So sorry dear that every time I kiss him,

he wonders who it is, you are kissing

Every time I lay down with him,

you get accused of doing the same

Everytime I call his name,

He wonders what name escapes your mouth

Over and over again,

you will pay for my time with him

without even knowing I exist.

His paranoia will drive him crazy when he's with you

realizing even the sweet ones are capapble of reaching out

Are you reaching out?

Probably not, but it doesn't matter.

either way you lose this game you don't even know you are playing,

I get the attention I want,

You get to pay for my sins

Drown Quietly

Um if you wouldn't mind

you're making too much noise.

So... your head is underwater

just breathe easy, it's a choice

Um could you please focus

Try not to kick so hard?

Damn, We're trying to save you.

Don't you see you've came this far?

We've been standing here for hours

putting our world on hold,

you've hardly said a thing

except "help the water's cold"

Help yourself! You know you can

Stop the tears from flowing and dry your little face

Yes, We see that you are drowing

We just wish you'd do it with more grace.

Bigger

And Much Afraid walks ever so softly through the dark woods, careful not to make any sound and disturb Bigger. Bigger had been asleep for a few hours so Much Afraid had a brief respite from his demands. Though now spoken with a soft tone, the meaning beneath each broken word that escaped his mouth cut her. She no longer felt it, just hated cleaning up the bloody mess left behind.

There is an escape for Much afraid. She can close her eyes and disappear to her time in the sun. In this hidden place in her mind, she found the peace missing elsewhere. Back to the day she met her King. . .

Making Bigger angry had left her lying broken on the floor. She was much too tired to even bother to get up this time. She closed her eyes and welcomed the darkness, and an end to being little. She laid there, untouched, unnoticed so long, Much Afraid and everyone else, forgot that she even existed. She had become the nothing Bigger had always wanted.

Much afraid was awakened by soft footsteps by her side. Opening her eyes she saw a familiar face, a kind man from her past. He took her hand and helped her to her feet. Much afraid was overwhelmed at the kindness in his touch, she could hardly breathe. And then she looked into his eyes, lost forever in a place she had been longing to be.

The King held her close and bandaged her broken spirit. He told her over and over again that things would be OK, so much so that Much Afraid began to believe him. She believed so much in the Kings words, that her body no longer shook when Bigger came. With great ease she blew away his broken words. She was strong and confident and brave.

But, as in every story in which Much Afraid had ever played, the sunshine faded. The King stepped farther, and farther away, so far she could no longer see his kind eyes or hear his sweet voice. Don't go, she had pleaded, don't leave me in this place, please. The King shook his head, smiling sweetly, calling her Silly, and telling her she would be just fine. If only.

How? How does Much Afraid face a new day without the sun? How does she go willingly into the darkness she had been set free from, back to the land of Bigger, where she no longer exists? If only she could make the King understand. If he knew how much he meant, he would never ever take his Sunshine away. If he knew how small and scared and alone she felt without her King, he would reign in her world always and all ways.

Hate

Hate, a feeling I'm not allowed to have

But a feeling that rages within me

A feeling that makes me say things and do things I'd never imagine

I hate my daddy for making me so fucked up
I hate my mother for not showing me how to be strong woman
I hate red shorts and the child molester fuck who etched that memory in my mind
I hate when she calls me and tries to suck me into her crazy
I hate that I love him
I hate that I didn't punch her in the throat when I could have.
I hate that my daughter is sick
I hate that no one loves her but me
I hate the motherfucker who made her so sick
I hate the scars on my legs
I hate waking up at 3 oclock every fucking night in a panic
I hate that he put a matching scar on the other side of my mouth
I hate that I love so much
I hate that I'd rather have a beer than a meal
I hate puking
I hate feeling lost and sad
I hate crying
I hate that your finger doesn't have the indent of our wedding band anymore
I hate that my heart hurts all the fucking time
I hate that I care about you
I hate doing everything alone
I hate that I can't let anyone help me
I hate that I'm such a confused, mixed up mess of a woman
I hate that there really is no one I'd feel ok saying any of this to in person

Pain

Pain seeps from every part of me today
I know why, and I don't
My stomach feels sick
My heart hurts
My head a lil dizzy
I want my home
I want normal
I don't wanna feel like this anymore
I wish I could be back to mad
Mad feels soooo much better
Mad doesn't hurt

Off the edge of a cliff

I have always been a follower. I have been content to do as I was told, until that is, what I was told, left me a broken mess.
Now everything in me says NO.
No I won't do it your way.
Not now, not ever.
And deal with it or fuck off.
That is exactly how I feel.
Maybe someday someone solid will come along, and maybe I won't feel so scared, and maybe I'll follow them.
Maybe right off the edge of a cliff believing I could fly.

What to do?

So today I'm so torn...part of me is trying to better myself, trying to repair my relationship with God and my husband, and part of me wants to run away, wants to be someone else for even just a moment, long enough to feel important to someone, anyone.

I feel like God left me, and the husband too, and so I want someone else to help. To fix it. To make me for one minute be whole.

There is not enough medication for days like today.

Oh My this is me!

My theme song

So here we go

I come to find myself needing to say at this time in my life, those things which I am not quite so brave to share out loud.

So I figured I would create a space for the other me.

The one who cries, and loves, and is broken beyond repair.

The one no one ever sees,

or loves

the one who for all intensive purposes does not exist.

So why don't you join me on this journey?

This is the place I am going to say those things I can never say outloud.

Those things that will make most cringe

And others think I've become the devil himself

But I need to say it.

I need to get it out.

And maybe you do too!