Why am I here? And where am I going?

I come to find myself needing to say at this time in my life, those things which I am not quite so brave to share out loud. So I figured I would create a space for the other me.

The one who cries, and loves, and is broken beyond repair. The one no one ever sees, or loves the one who for all intents and purposes does not exist.

So why don't you join me on this journey?

This is the place I am going to say those things I can never say out loud. Those things that will make most cringe, and others think I've become the devil himself. But I need to say it. I need to get it out. And maybe you do too!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Hate

Hate, a feeling I'm not allowed to have

But a feeling that rages within me

A feeling that makes me say things and do things I'd never imagine

I hate my daddy for making me so fucked up
I hate my mother for not showing me how to be strong woman
I hate red shorts and the child molester fuck who etched that memory in my mind
I hate when she calls me and tries to suck me into her crazy
I hate that I love him
I hate that I didn't punch her in the throat when I could have.
I hate that my daughter is sick
I hate that no one loves her but me
I hate the motherfucker who made her so sick
I hate the scars on my legs
I hate waking up at 3 oclock every fucking night in a panic
I hate that he put a matching scar on the other side of my mouth
I hate that I love so much
I hate that I'd rather have a beer than a meal
I hate puking
I hate feeling lost and sad
I hate crying
I hate that your finger doesn't have the indent of our wedding band anymore
I hate that my heart hurts all the fucking time
I hate that I care about you
I hate doing everything alone
I hate that I can't let anyone help me
I hate that I'm such a confused, mixed up mess of a woman
I hate that there really is no one I'd feel ok saying any of this to in person
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